Alice Liddell: Real talk: How it started

*This isn't much of a poem, its more of a thought process, and a religious look on life and death.

**DISCLAIMER: If your religion is the only thing keeping you on this planet, you probably shouldn't read this.

(The beginning)

Winter break, I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do with my life, more simply: what I am supposed to do during the day? Well, what do other people do during the day? Sports, tv, video games, art, music. So basically people just do things that they enjoy.

Well I like art and music, so I went to the piano but couldn't play anything well enough to enjoy it,
so I sat down an painted a tree.

(The middle)

After my religion class, I went up to my teacher, I started by saying "So I had a friend that died last year but according to our gospel, it's okay, and she's not going to hell because during the afterlife she can learn the gospel, get endowments, and get married, right?"

He confirmed this was true so I continued "So if I died today, it would be okay, I wouldn't go to hell because in the after life I can learn the gospel, get my endowment, and get married, right?"

He said "yeah that works for everybody, it's just important to do temple work so that people who have gone before us can receive it."

I asked "what about the very last person, like if everyone else died in that was one person, who would do the temple work?"

I promise I was looking for him to give me something else to think about.

Maybe disprove my ideas.

He said "Do you really think God to let that happen? Plus we have the millennium where everyone's work will get done."

I promise I was looking for a different answer.

I promise I wasn't looking for this.

(The beginning of the end)

After telling him that I was OK, I left the building and walked out into the rain. I was shaking, but not because I was cold.

I want to die, not because I'm depressed though. I want to die because I find life meaningless.
I don't have a lot of friends, I have one super close friend, but she has a boyfriend, and she's graduated. I'm not close with anyone in my family, the only boys interested in me are the manipulative boys who hate themselves. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids.

Why don't we all just die and go to the afterlife, then we could work on our spirituality without the mortal distractions.

I want to die.
Not because I'm depressed. Not because I don't feel loved.
Not because I hate myself, I love myself.
But not even religion can keep me here anymore.

So to my mother, who always tried to make things about her, this is not about you, it never was.
And neither was the fact that clutter gives me anxiety, that was about my brain going into attack mode with me as the target, and that was about trying to make it stop.

I wish you had more confidence.

Also, if you don't love dad, get a divorce.
Divorces are hard, but watching your parents constantly fight is harder.

Mom you deserve someone that loves you immensely.

And that person deserves to be you.

•••

But don't worry, I'm not gone yet, I still have things to create.

My list of things to create is cluttered with poem ideas. I want to make music, I want to be good at it. I want to make a difference in someone's life, and I can't do that if I'm dead now can I?

So I guess I'll move that ladder from my bedroom back to my garage.

And I'll stop closing my blinds and I'll welcome the sun,

but you know,

if the sun died, it would take eight minutes for us to know about it.
What would you consider the probability of the sun rising tomorrow?
I think most people would say 100%,
but in reality it could have died 7 minutes ago
and by the time you finish reading this, our world could be dark.

Welcome to the darkness