Apologetically me

<To read part 1 click here>

Year of no mistakes? Well the year ended a month ago and shits already hit the fan. 

To my mother, sorry Im always such a disappointment.

Sorry about the fallouts and sorry about the.. well...

Im sorry about the broken promises and the broken hearts

Dear Cortney, sorry were not really close anymore.

Dear Milo Harrison, sorry we had to stop being friends, things just weren't working anymore. 

Dear ex boyfriend number 2, sorry we didn't stay friends.

Dear my corner of the world, i'm sorry that I tried to change this little corner, cuz I did it all wrong. 

Just put your broken pieces over there with mine and call it good.

I want to know what it feels like to be the brick and not the window pane 
but this time I guess I was both. 

Shards flying

Collateral damage

And here I am,

apologetically me. 

You hate me for the things I've ruined, but i promise I hate myself more.  

Dear Nelson, sorry I got you in trouble. Things didn't really go as planned..

Nudity

Nudity is not the same thing as porn for our bodies are made up roughly of about 60% water and 40% star dust.  

The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, were made from the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of stardust. 

Nudity is not the same as porn.  In the old Roman Empire and in France especially, artists created beautiful nude sculptures and paintings that told stories and captured emotion. None of them are provocative, sexy or inappropriate, but they are all nude, and none of them are considered pornography, but if a woman is seen nude on social media in an artistic picture that tells a story, and captures emotion, people immediately sexualized that. She is slut shamed and people say she has no respect for herself. 

Now I'm not comparing this type of thing to the actions that Miley Cyrus performs on stage, nor am I shaming her for her actions, but she fingered herself on stage, that's porn, because it is meant to be sexual, and that's her choice. And as a person I respect her choice to be sexually open. 

I think a big part of feminism is giving other women, other people, the freedom to make their own choices even if to not necessarily a choice that I would make. 

And all the comments about women  "asking for it"....    

my jeans and t-shirt were what? too provocative?...  the night gown that seven year old girl was wearing was what? to sexual?... I mean there's way too many people saying that women just need to cover up their bodies, Excuse us for having skin, but may I remind you that my skin is made out of the same things that male skin is made from. 

That seven year old girl in an ankle length night gown was defiantly not asking for it. Me, in my blue jeans and AC/DC t-shirt, I was definitely not asking for it. 

If rape was about how little amount of clothing someone was wearing, then people wearing clothes wouldn't get raped, but they do. 

We need to stop having classes on avoiding getting rape and start having classes on not raping. 

We need to stop taking girls out of class and dress coding them because their outfits are distracting boys from learning, and start teaching boys to respect that our bodies are not for them. 

We've been taught that a women's body will cause men to sin. We're told that if a women showed off too much of her body then men will do stupid things. But let's be clear, a woman's body is not dangerous to you. It will not hurt you. It will not make you do stupid things, you choose to do stupid things.  And you have zero right to my body just because I'm not covering all of my skin. 

We shame girls simply because they are girls. We are told "periods are disgusting" "sit like a lady" "talk like a lady, it's more attractive to boys" "cover your body" As if being born a girl is already a disgrace.. And do not tell me to "talk like a lady" I do not give a flying shit if it's "unattractive to swear and use strong language" Telling girls to act a certain way because it's more pleasing for guys is such a pathetic mentality. It teaches girls that their roll is to please men! Why on earth would we teach girls that their roll is lesser than their counter part the same way that we taught blacks that they are lesser than theirs. We need to teach girls to embrace themselves. All of themselves. Their Femininity and their masculinity, and their bodies and the fact that they are made out of supernova explosions. 

So instead of teaching girls to cover their bodies, we need to teach boys to respect that our bodies are not for them. 

However we dress, wherever we go, yes means yes and no means no. Maybe if we stopped being so scared of everyone else's bodies, we could stop hating our own. 

<To read part 2 click here>

Real talk: How it started

*This isn't much of a poem, its more of a thought process, and a religious look on life and death.

**DISCLAIMER: If your religion is the only thing keeping you on this planet, you probably shouldn't read this. 

(The beginning)

Winter break, I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do with my life, more simply: what I am supposed to do during the day? Well, what do other people do during the day? Sports, tv, video games, art, music. So basically people just do things that they enjoy.

Well I like art and music, so I went to the piano but couldn't play anything well enough to enjoy it,
so I sat down an painted a tree.

(The middle)

After my religion class, I went up to my teacher, I started by saying "So I had a friend that died last year but according to our gospel, it's okay, and she's not going to hell because during the afterlife she can learn the gospel, get endowments, and get married, right?"

He confirmed this was true so I continued "So if I died today, it would be okay, I wouldn't go to hell because in the after life I can learn the gospel, get my endowment, and get married, right?"

He said "yeah that works for everybody, it's just important to do temple work so that people who have gone before us can receive it."

I asked "what about the very last person, like if everyone else died in that was one person, who would do the temple work?"

I promise I was looking for him to give me something else to think about. 

Maybe disprove my ideas. 

He said "Do you really think God to let that happen? Plus we have the millennium where everyone's work will get done."

I promise I was looking for a different answer. 

I promise I wasn't looking for this. 

(The beginning of the end)

After telling him that I was OK, I left the building and walked out into the rain. I was shaking, but not because I was cold.

I want to die, not because I'm depressed though. I want to die because I find life meaningless.
I don't have a lot of friends, I have one super close friend, but she has a boyfriend, and she's graduated. I'm not close with anyone in my family, the only boys interested in me are the manipulative boys who hate themselves. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids. 

Why don't we all just die and go to the afterlife, then we could work on our spirituality without the mortal distractions. 

I want to die.
Not because I'm depressed. Not because I don't feel loved.
Not because I hate myself, I love myself.
But not even religion can keep me here anymore. 

So to my mother, who always tried to make things about her, this is not about you, it never was.
And neither was the fact that clutter gives me anxiety, that was about my brain going into attack mode with me as the target, and that was about trying to make it stop. 

I wish you had more confidence.

Also, if you don't love dad, get a divorce.
Divorces are hard, but watching your parents constantly fight is harder.

Mom you deserve someone that loves you immensely. 

And that person deserves to be you.

•••

But don't worry, I'm not gone yet, I still have things to create. 

My list of things to create is cluttered with poem ideas. I want to make music, I want to be good at it.             I want to make a difference in someone's life, and I can't do that if I'm dead now can I?

So I guess I'll move that ladder from my bedroom back to my garage. 

And I'll stop closing my blinds and I'll welcome the sun,

but you know,

if the sun died, it would take eight minutes for us to know about it.
What would you consider the probability of the sun rising tomorrow?
I think most people would say 100%,
but in reality it could have died 7 minutes ago
and by the time you finish reading this, our world could be dark.

Welcome to the darkness

Its not what you thought It would be now is it

Shooting Stars

She was a treacherous beauty as violent and as breath taking as tsunamis and forest fires. 
She was as sad and as brilliant as exploding stars.
She was as horrifying and equally as wonderful as life itself, 
but with a gun between your teeth you can only speak in compliances or threats. 

She chose the latter and pointed the bullets at herself.

She tricks herself into being tired so she doesn't have to face the world one day after another and she has dreams about reality. Which makes waking up even harder because she can no longer draw the line between things that are real and things that she made up. But as she sleeps she hangs her left foot off the edge of the bed, hoping that maybe, just maybe, something will snag her. 

She has a ladder set up just outside her bedroom door hoping she can jinks herself into dying. 

Her diet itself is a suicide note, strictly limited to all the things that she is allergic to. 

Her favorite playlist is the one that makes her feel like her heart is sinking, these melodies are sliding razor blades into her blood stream as she slides razor blades through her skin. 

Shes as sad and as brilliant as exploding stars. 

Sad because the sky holds one less star tonight,

And brilliant because of the mess she makes as she destroys herself. 

But no matter how hard you try,
you can't stop the stars from falling.

And it's even harder to catch them.