Human

Writing this, I am sitting in a hammock in my back yard. The sun is in my eyes, 

it's 6:10 and I'm spooning Apple sauce into my mouth. Im probably happier,  

and more content with my life than I have been in the past two weeks.

And then I went to the cemetery with my youth group where two of the kids 

in my ward were buried this last year. 

We visited their graves and sang their favorite songs to their head stones, 

I don't know if that was for us or for them but it made my lungs compress and my heart beat slower and softer but harder at the same time 

We were getting ready to leave and I told my leader I was going to get 

in the other car because I just wanted to go home.. 

And then I started bawling. 

It was mixed with screaming I guess and I wonder if I startled the other girls 

when all of a sudden I'm screaming. 

I tried to hold it in, they said let it out, but then it got stuck. 

It got stuck and it just wouldn't come out, and i couldn't breathe anymore than the dead girl from my ward. 

All the girls kept touching my back but I knew dam well that they don't care 

about me. 

Sure, their good people.. They pretend to care about me when I'm sad. I don't 

want "good people" because that feels like a pity party. Their good people, just 

not good friends.

On the drive home everyone kept saying "that was nice". I was silent but I kept 

thinking "that was not nice, that freaking hurt".

Well that makes for 2 breakdowns and 5 hours of silence today

That probably makes me pretty human.