Fourth Period Thoughts

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit.

But I haven't carved into my skin for 365 days now. 365 days and during fourth period today I felt the sensation, the urge, it said:

"bite your fingers till the indentation on your skin could identify your dead body 15 years from now"

"Scratch your skin till it looks like the red moon everyone awed at last month, they thought it was beautiful, they think you're not”

What color is the moon with out the sun or without the earth casting her shadow on it? What does she look like all by herself?  And how do you figure that out?

"It will make you stop feeling"

"It will slow down the anxiety"

But then there's me, telling myself:

"No"

"Just find something for your hands to play with. No wait actually you need to put that rubber band down right now. It's okay, just put it into your back pack"

"Get your hands away from your mouth!"

"We are ok,

we are ok,

I am ok,

it's ok.

Alice, You are O.K."

"Your fine"

"Your fine"

"Your fine"

"Your fine"

"Just breathe, everything will be fine"

"Try to focus on the lecture, it will distract your mind"

"Sit on your hands"

"Just close your eyes. Breathe"

"In, out, in, out. Why does the kid to my left keep asking me questions. In. Out. In. Out.         It doesn't matter who's looking at you. In, out, in, out, inoutinoutinout. It's okay"

"You don't need to ask to go to the hall, you will be just fine"

"Grip the chair, distract yourself, but try not to look like your going insane."

"Today is your one year mark, don't mess that up"

365 days, that just over 17 times the number of days they say it takes to make a habit.

365 days and today was hard. So was yesterday.