Blood too thick for paper

You guys already know a lot about me if you've been reading my blog
but heres some things you probably don't know about me:

I sleep with stuffed animals because ever since I was four years old I've had a really hard time sleeping alone. On my 6th birthday my parents gave me a life size Strawberry Shortcake doll so I would stop bothering them at night. 

My current sleeping buddies are a giant pillow pet giraffe named Eddie and a small Nemo fish. 

I am obsessed with anything to do with the sky. Rain, outer space, the moon, lightening, sunshine,
Im fascinated with it all.

I think the eye is the coolest part of the body. 

People tell me I have a lot of friends, and that I'm really good at talking to people.
But I spend lunch alone so...
I don't really believe them.

I'm selfish because if I find a really good song that I connect with, I won't show it to anyone because I feel like the song is mine. Considering that, if I show you a song, don't take it lightly.

Im the one who Nelson yelled at for having a different journal,
I told him I couldn't use a composition note book
because the ink from my pen showed on the other side of the page.
He told me to stop writing in blood.


Sorry.

Thats the only way I know how.

I write in my own blood, I sleep with stuffed animals, and I spend lunch alone.

I think the only places I belong inside Lone Peak are sitting at a piano, and room 221. 

I like having black nails and wearing sweat shirts.
I like painting my face and I want to be in a Baptists choir.
I like cuddling more than I like kissing,
and I like to know the whys of everything.

If you tell me something and I ask you "why?"
it is because I want to know the way your mind works.

You guys called me Alice,

But you can call me Amanda now.

I Can't Make You Love Me

https://youtu.be/u_FFiSkM0RM

-Heart

In biology we learned about hearts and our teacher told us that the heart stings (tendons) can sometimes break after a deep emotional trauma causing the heart to lose form and as a result be unable to pump blood effectively, you can literally die from a broken heart.
I learned that, then I got this letter from my heart. And it went like this..


Hey Alice, listen here. Let me tell you something you've been needing to hear for a while. 
I am not broken. 
Our past experiences have not rendered me incapable, 
they have not snapped my strings, 
they have only made them stronger.
I am pounding harder than ever,
my beat growing stronger,                                 

can you feel it?

My song grows louder and more complex as the days pass on.
I yearn for the melody and accompaniment of a second song,
I try to sing to the neighbor down the street from me but Mr Brain doesn't like to mess around much.
But I grow stronger even still and one day he won't be able to ignore me.


P.S. Don't be concerned about your crooked ribs, 
       that happened before I accepted that I'm caged for a reason.

P.P.S. Don't let anyone cage you,
          run free darling.

-Heart

(Blue ticket) HANDS

My hands are always fidgety, with small fingers and knuckles knocking together. Awkward turns and curves from brakes and slammed doors. 

My hands are cold. 

His hands were warm and knowing. They knew how to fix things and they knew how to hold me. They were gentle and firm. Gripping mine soft enough to not hurt but tight enough that I knew, in that moment he was here. 

In between your fingers were mine, and in between my fingers were the secrets you'd never tell me.

But, my hands are cold. 

Cold hands and a bold heart

But it's only now going to start 

We traded in for longer nights 

And constellation star lights 

Winter is coming with a storm ahead 

So for now I'll hide under my covers

Thinking about Incidental lovers 

Staying all winter in my bed

And probably wishing I was dead

We beg for summer stars 

And chasing after Mars

Accepting our creation

Along with our Damnation 

We're supposed to get liberation
from those in our family nation
but all I got was probation and a citation that says

Starvation, taxation, no relation. 

They say I'm like a Dalmatian

..That was a lie, no one ever called me a Dalmatian..

I only said that because of this fixation that my vacation
should be in a location that has a gas station. 

I'm running low. 

My minds a glow telling you things you already know and although below there's things that don't flow quite right, their too tight and I picked this fight. So I smite with all my might and then I take flight, it's almost twilight and I don't feel alright. 

My hands are cold, but my heart still warm. 

taking hold of this art form

And you know I don't conform, I perform, never sticking to the norm, but I should probably inform that I'm my own ice storm.
I'm my own Individual, never too predictable, nor am I traditional. So don't be typical, this isn't a ritual. This is real, so tell people how you feel, before you eat your last meal and peel back the covers and go to sleep,
then pray to God your soul to keep. 

I tried to close my hands to pray,

But their too cold. So in my heart a prayer I'll hold,

God might send me to hell when I'm old.
But at least I'll know my heart was bold.

Im sorry, I haven't been thinking straight lately

We turned into the intersection as a blue truck sped toward us, the girl in my passenger seat screamed, I slammed on the breaks and protectively put my arm in front of her. Grabbing onto her as his headlights collided with mine. We jolted forward as our cars slammed into each other. He was going 40, I was going 10. My hood bent up at an awkward angle and his headlights bounced off the engine in my car. It all happened in slow motion and I still couldn't do anything.

A text I sent to her. 
To the girl sitting in my shot gun:
Last night felt like deja vu. I don't know of what though. 
Just the part of you screaming and me grabbing you and the jolting part. 
Felt like i've done that before. 
And I feel like I can't function anymore. 
And did you see the way his car filled with smoke? 
Did you notice how slow everything was? 
Did you see my radiator bleeding out all over the asphalt? 
I feel like I will never move on from this. 
I feel like I won't have a moment without thinking about it. 
I don't pray very often. 
But I have talked to God so many times today 
about how grateful I am that everyone is okay. 
I am so sorry. 
Are you emotional about this? 
Because I am.

It doesn't feel real, it feels like a dream. And this is a problem. Nothing feels real anymore. I used to be scared of everything and I would feel my emotions too hard. So I taught myself that most things aren't going to kill me, and if they do, so what?..  

During movies when I'm getting too emotionally invested, I breathe and tell myself it's not real. I no longer cry during romance movies, The Notebooks not even real, sorry to break it to you. 

Horror shows don't give me nightmares, 

Car crashed that feel like dreams give nightmares.

I'm scared I'm getting too detached from life, too detached from the events in my life. It scares me that everything feels like a dream now. 

How to Get Over Someone

1. Listen to sad songs that make you cry, make a playlist of the songs that break your heart.
2. Cry. A lot.
3. Take all his stuff back to him. All the notes he wrote you, all his jackets, and sentimental items.
4. Write down everything that reminds you of him.
5. That playlist from number 1? Listen to it every day. It will hurt, and you will cry, but listen to it anyways.
6. Every time you go somewhere you will think about him, try to make new memories with new people.
7. Go to museums and realize that other things have history too.
8. Kiss as many people as you need to in order to get the stamp of his lips off your brain
9. That list you made back on number 3? tear it up like its nothing
10. Time is really what it comes down to.
11. Spend time with other people, make sure you don't isolate yourself or become a hermit.
12. Realize that the person you loved is different now.
13. Accept that things are different now.
14. Meet new people.



This list is crap. You don't just "get over" someone. You cry for months on end. Day after day you will see things that remind you of him and it will hurt, you will remember things he used to say and the way he would smile at you when you were having a good day.
You will miss the way he looked at you,
and how he wrapped his arms around you when you were crying.
You will miss the way his fingers sailed in the ocean of your skin.
You will miss the 2:37 AM calls and the way you would stare at the stars together.

I miss car rides with him.
I miss the way he looked at me and how he wrapped his arms around me when I was crying.
I miss the way his fingers sailed in the ocean of my skin.
I miss the 2:37 AM calls and staying up all night on the phone.
I miss him coming over after work smelling like grass and lawn mowers, but he just wanted to talk to me and see me and ask how my day was.
I miss the late nights and early mornings.

I miss the smell of your sweat shirts.
I miss driving up the canyon with you.
I miss going to the gas station with you and getting drinks.
I miss calling you just to tell you to go outside and look up because "the sky looks so beautiful, and I want you to see it"
I miss our hikes and drives up the canyon.
I miss the breakfast runs to Betos.
I miss the five hour talks in your jeep.
I miss spending every day in the summer with you.
I miss you okay?
I miss you and I think thats just how it is when you love someone,
a piece of them stays with you forever,
you never truly let go of what you had.




I wanted to teach you how to get over someone,
but seeing as I'm not too good at it,
maybe you could teach me.

They forgot something

They warned me about drugs

They warned me about sex

They warned me about driving fast and being friends with the "wrong crowd"

They warned me about getting behind in school work

They warned me about drinking alcohol and watching R-rated movies,

But they never warned me about falling in love.